I was ready to die for him

Have you ever felt like your life just got shattered before your eyes? Your life is over? You are finished? In this moment you do not care about your loved ones, what you have accomplished, your future and your dreams, you just what to die. All of a sudden life is not a gift but a curse for you, and you despise every breath you take. Perhaps afterlife is better, it cannot be worse than this, you think. You pray day after day “God take me, I do not want to live anymore” you cry yourself to sleep, you cry even more in the morning when you realise you are still breathing. How difficult could it be for God to just stop me from breathing? You wonder.

That is how I felt 17years ago, I was 10 years old (in 2000) and I was fed-up with life already. I could not bear the thought of me living another second, I begged God over and over again to take me. It was the time my stepdad died. I was staying with my grandparents in KwaZulu-Natal, when we received a call from my mom informing us that my stepdad passed away. I had stayed with my mom and my stepdad the previous years but I was sent to stay with my grandparents in December 2009 because they were old and needed assistance around the house.

When I left my parents’ house in 2009, my stepdad was already sick and was in and out of hospitals, he had cancer. The seriousness of it never crossed my 9 year old mind, I certainly did not expect him to die. So when we got that phone call, my life shattered, I was devastated. To make the matter worse I couldn’t go to my mom and bury my stepdad. I was stuck with my grandpa in KZN, only my grandma could travel for the funeral, because they wasn’t enough money for both of us to travel . 

Within my short years of knowing and staying with this man, I totally fell in love with him as my dad. He was loving and caring, we shared good times together, He was a father I never had before, and I could not imagine my life without him. I was ready to die and join him. 

Well here I am today, thankful and grateful that I never died that year, I am grateful God never granted my wish. Right now; I wouldn’t have had my beautiful daughter, I wouldn’t have accomplished all the things I have accomplished, I wouldn’t have seen how beautiful life is and what it has to offer me. So yes it was my stepdad’s time but it surely wasn’t MY time, God still had plans for me. It is clear to me now, why God does not grant us all our prayers, it’s because you are not ready for what you are asking for or whatever you are asking for is not good for you. 

I am forever thankful for my life… I love my life.

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21 Comments Add yours

  1. realdeets says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. But this was very beautifully written. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. bafikile says:

      Thank God, time heals all wounds… i have completely healed now. Thank you for the feedback.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. When I started reading this I was panicking thinking I have to make you listen that life is worth living!! Then I continued to read and got a lot happier as this world needs more people like you in it! Glad God ignored you 🙂 I am so sorry for that loss though as I know the pain of losing a loved one doesn’t ever fully go away – just hopefully our perspective does that they are in a better place 🙂 . So happy you are here!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. bafikile says:

      Sorry i got you worked up and scared 😃😃.. yes i am happy am here too. Thank you for your kind words💖.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry to hear that, may God bless him. It’s really beautiful. Life is itself a book to learn from. Keep it up!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. bafikile says:

      Thank you… Indeed we learn a lot from our experiences (and experiences of others). These experiences contribute a lot in who we are today.

      Like

  4. Junior kabeya says:

    I known how much painful when you lost someone ! And God has a plan for each and everyone ; he can’t leave you because he created you in his image and know that everything that we wish to be in our life is in God hands . This is were the secrets of our life read PROVERB 19 – 21

    Liked by 1 person

    1. bafikile says:

      Amen… thank you for the response.

      Like

  5. Very sweet and heartbreaking post. It really saddens us to see our loved ones suffering. But that’s what life is. We have to deal with the uncertainty. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. bafikile says:

      Thank you for visiting and replying on my post… Indeed that’s what life is, full of surprises and uncertainty, which is why we need to cherish every moment we spend with our loved ones, for we can never be certain about tomorrow.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I totally agree with this. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Nicole Hanna says:

    Very powerful! Thank you for sharing your heart!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. bafikile says:

      Thank you for visiting my blog and for the sweet response…

      Liked by 1 person

  7. true12imam says:

    Dear Bafikile, i have found your sentences deep and full of enthusiasm.
    you know God delivers his messages to us by his acts, but sometimes they’re complicated and difficult for us to understand them. its takes time for these messages to be illustrated and show their true meaning.
    when your want to make a strong and shining sword, you need to heat and pound the iron really hard over and over, but after that agony you have yourself something that can’t be broken, bend and scratched. that’s the roll of pain in our lives …
    wish you the best, and say hi to your daughter!

    Hosein

    Liked by 1 person

  8. bafikile says:

    Wow! Such powerful and wise words… thank you. I appreciate the visit and the feedback.

    Like

  9. Cade says:

    Oh my lord, this web page is definitely wonderful! How you accomplish that?! My spouse and i never ever picture to find out that good site with the sinlaficigtny useful information! Thanks to you just for this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. bafikile says:

      Thank you so much… i really appreciate these words 💙💚💛.

      Like

  10. I feel everyone has to cross a situation like this in life. Now my parents prays as you when my younger brother passed away last February, ( I could not as I have my children and husband to be taken care). I pray to God as God has to surprise them with some good blessings in life. I will try my best to make them happy as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. bafikile says:

      I am so sorry for your loss… My condolences to you and your family. May God comfort and help them to be strong in this time😇💚⚘.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. bafikile says:

      Thank you🌹

      Liked by 1 person

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