I was ready to die for him

Have you ever felt like your life just got shattered before your eyes? Your life is over? You are finished? In this moment you do not care about your loved ones, what you have accomplished, your future and your dreams, you just what to die. All of a sudden life is not a gift but a curse for you, and you despise every breath you take. Perhaps afterlife is better, it cannot be worse than this, you think. You pray day after day “God take me, I do not want to live anymore” you cry yourself to sleep, you cry even more in the morning when you realise you are still breathing. How difficult could it be for God to just stop me from breathing? You wonder.

That is how I felt 17years ago, I was 10 years old (in 2000) and I was fed-up with life already. I could not bear the thought of me living another second, I begged God over and over again to take me. It was the time my stepdad died. I was staying with my grandparents in KwaZulu-Natal, when we received a call from my mom informing us that my stepdad passed away. I had stayed with my mom and my stepdad the previous years but I was sent to stay with my grandparents in December 2009 because they were old and needed assistance around the house.

When I left my parents’ house in 2009, my stepdad was already sick and was in and out of hospitals, he had cancer. The seriousness of it never crossed my 9 year old mind, I certainly did not expect him to die. So when we got that phone call, my life shattered, I was devastated. To make the matter worse I couldn’t go to my mom and bury my stepdad. I was stuck with my grandpa in KZN, only my grandma could travel for the funeral, because they wasn’t enough money for both of us to travel . 

Within my short years of knowing and staying with this man, I totally fell in love with him as my dad. He was loving and caring, we shared good times together, He was a father I never had before, and I could not imagine my life without him. I was ready to die and join him. 

Well here I am today, thankful and grateful that I never died that year, I am grateful God never granted my wish. Right now; I wouldn’t have had my beautiful daughter, I wouldn’t have accomplished all the things I have accomplished, I wouldn’t have seen how beautiful life is and what it has to offer me. So yes it was my stepdad’s time but it surely wasn’t MY time, God still had plans for me. It is clear to me now, why God does not grant us all our prayers, it’s because you are not ready for what you are asking for or whatever you are asking for is not good for you. 

I am forever thankful for my life… I love my life.